Truth be told, this is not the first time I decided this nor will it be the last, so let’s make this short in case future me reads this with shame. In the past, when I decided to do this, I mostly didn’t. Sometimes I started, and sometimes I got a chapter done, but typically, it ended with me saying, “nah, this ain’t it.” As you can guess, I’m my worst enemy.

Writing is scary–at least to me, and every time I get an idea I brainstorm it in my head. Usually, the idea, once conceived, goes through an extra pass in my brain until I decide this is garbage. I know, I know. I should be more kind to myself, but when most of your life is spent reading books, you end up having expectations (scary, I know) about how good a piece should be. Now, there are ideas that were good enough to pass the initial pass: a book about programming languages, one about teaching, and other about code switching. Unfortunately, when I start to write I end up with two realizations: 1) someone has already written about this in a tone and format I wished I envision, 2) I need to research more, or I lack anything meaningful to add.

Perhaps, it’s not writing I like, but the idea of writing. I’ve always felt that with how much I read, I should at least give back and contribute to this idea of a resource. The problem was that I wanted to contribute something great. I made videos, wrote research papers, and brought proofs to life, but every time I look back, I end up wishing, “damn I could’ve done that better”. Eventually, I realized this was idiotic, since I need experience to get better and to get experience I need to start. I could end up waiting for the right moment, and it could be that it will be great, but I think future me would appreciate having a funny little thing to look back on than a potential masterpiece (please future me 😭).

In either case, while I did resolve myself into finishing something, it took a while longer to realize what I wanted to write. That is until I recited my favorite poem at an open mic:

Democracy will not come
Today, this year
Nor ever
Through compromise and fear.

I have as much right
As the other fellow has
To stand
On my two feet
And own the land.

I tire so of hearing people say,
Let things take their course.
Tomorrow is another day.
I do not need my freedom when I’m dead.
I cannot live on tomorrow’s bread.

Freedom
Is a strong seed
Planted
In a great need.

I live here, too.
I want freedom
Just as you.
– Langston Hughes

Perhaps, I may be a dog-shit writer, but I do have an interesting life. The only thing is that while I have resolved myself to write something, it’s kinda embarrassing to write about myself. At the end of the day, while these feelings are true, my desire to improve and write surpasses that–and well I am minoring in creative writing. I am going to write poetry. It may not be filled with pretty words or creative formats, but it will be true to myself. I hope you guys look forward to my work.